My art, my soul and Celtic music

English:

Since the mid-90's, I have become a fan of Celtic music, thanks to first finding Canadian singer/songwriter Loreena McKennitt whose origins are Irish. While most of her songs are in English, it was her voice and the music that I began to feel deep in me – an unexplainable feeling. I dove into her catalog of music but suddenly found myself going deeper and discovering truer Celtic music, I mean traditional songs (but not only) sang in Irish Gaelic, Scottish Gaelic and other variations that I am not an expert of, in between. Often, the songs that I find that really move me vary from the reels to the ballads and more often sang /played by contemporary singers and musicians breathing new life into them.

Though as I mentioned there are songs sang in English that I also love, the not understanding a word of these languages is a plus, for me. Why? Several reasons - I often find that translations, mainly in music and literature, lose the original thoughts, emotions and ideas. I also feel, especially in languages that are only spoken in small cultures, that it's almost a secret language that belong only to them – a language muttered in secret or in code and as the Gaelic/Irish languages are ancient coming from fae folklore, they give me a sense of romance and wonder.

Over the years, I have discovered many Irish and Scottish artists who still continue to create and share traaditional/contemporary compositions with the world and it is in the way they use their voices and instruments that are still very much rooted in tradition and there are songs that simply overwhelm me and take me to another place and time.

Hence, one of the reasons my photographic work has an almost timeless feel is in part due to inspiration from this music. I often play it when doing my shoots to take me to those other worlds. My photographs in the forest, especially, have an obvious connection to it because of the fae-aspect but also in how I pose, offering expressions of melancholy and longing. These emotions that are not false inside me are evoked when listening to this music. In addition, my most recent thoughts over the last 10 years of wanting to find roots, wanting to create new traditions yet having difficulty connecting makes me more attracted to ideas that have those elements and ideologies.

Today, I would like to present you with several songs that I am sharing from Spotify. A more ancient one entitled SealWoman/Yundah which was sung to attract the seals to shore. Sung by Mary McLaughlin. One by Julie Fowlis who is one of my absolute favorite singers and have quite a collection of her music. This is from one of her most recent projects entitled Cuimhne which means memory and another from her same project but written and sung by John McEntyre entitled Connia (woman’s name)– another musician part of the project and wanting to include a male voice and how it also makes me feel so part of this almost ethereal music. Perhaps when you listen to these songs and look at my photography, you can see the connections.

The End of 2024 Musings

As 2024 comes to a close, and as I do every year, I'd like to share my reflections of the year. It is the end of my 9th year living in France so in January 2025, will mark my 10th year - a milestone, I suppose. While a part of me feels like I have been here for that long, I still feel I am in flux. Honestly, I always have and it is why a major theme of my photographic works, especially this year has been about finding a place to call home, trying to establish roots and a connection to a place where it is hard to feel a connection to. In part, it is certainly because the language barrier somewhat still evident as I find learning the language slow in spite of my surprising progression.

It is also because - as it has been even in the United States - I am an introvert, more at ease with animals and the forest than within a social human group. I enjoy meeting and speaking to people, especially if they are warm and friendly but I prefer to be off on my own, most of the time. And with so-called social practices further separating us than bringing us together in addition to our political climate, I have created even more space between myself and others. Lastly, the difficulty in establishing roots is because 6 months prior to leaving the United States for France, I was living in an unstable situation with an uncertain future, and now, once again, with financial problems at hand spending the last year and a half in the social housing system waiting for a new, cheaper place to live, I have been surrounded by constant reminders that I am still not settled anywhere. While I have spent most of my life in places I didn't choose, I didn't feel unstable in my living conditions like now. As I have no control over this housing process, I have had personal difficulties but have managed to pour my soul into my artistic work more than ever.

I have created and finished 3 bodies of work: Re-Wild, Papillon and Almost Forgotten. Re-Wild has already been published in The Eye of Photography, I've had an exhibition of selected images from that series as well as Papillon this past November during the month of photography and in a major annual of art and photography by Corridor Élephant.

Almost Forgotten is a project that I began the year I moved here - 2015 and felt it fitting to complete the end of this year. At first glance, it is a vast selection of very pretty, romantic imagery of me posing in front of and within castles and ruins and while that can seem superficial, my statement is not. It is still connected to the theme of looking for a connection. I have spent my childhood yearning to be in fairy tales, in idyllic, romantic settings and also with a fascination for exploring areas with an ancient past. Difficulty in finding that in the US, I was excited to be able to find these places rather easily here in France. And, as I have eluded, with this era of modern technology creating a further disconnect from the human spirit and where the idea of the romantic image and even the preservation of tradition and history is slowly disappearing, I sought even more, to find and connect to places and ideals of romanticism.

During this year, I also took, what I consider a courageous step to create a vlog series, loosely titled “Series of Series” on my YouTube channel where I share selected works and discuss, on a minute level, the ideas behind them, some anecdotes and more. If you have not subscribed to my channel, please do so and while you are there, you can find some perfomance videos that I have created over the years either as companion pieces to certain series or in addition including my most recent one entitled White Raven with authorization so generously given by musician Martine Kraft and her project Iwashere for the use of her music!

And while so thankful to be able to continue my self-portrait work and for it to be seen, I am ever so grateful to have sold more than 115 copies of My Body Collective which is more than half the copies that I have had printed, thanks to my supporters via Kickstarter who believed in me and my endeavor to write and share my autobiography and my often painful past and how I have taken these experiences and used them in my art and in my job as an artists' model. I have sold these books without real distribution except through social media platforms, my site and through my model sessions. I have received so much amazing feedback, loving and encouraging words and I have been told that I am inspiring, which is really so humbling. It was one of the reasons, of course, for writing my story – to inspire those who had had difficult lives to find a creative and positive outlet in order to express themselves – to find therapeutic exercises in helping go through the process of self-acceptance and healing.

With that, I would like to end this post with words of love and thanks for your support and your continued interest in my work. I do hope that you continue to visit my website to see my work, to read my newsletters and to be here. I encourage you also that if you have any comments, questions, questions on purchases or more, do not hesitate to contact me direct via my email address. I am always happy to respond.

My love to you all and a very happy, healthy and loving holiday season and a hopeful new year.

Episode 4 and my father

English:

Several weeks ago, I started making a few video "art talks" where I share certain bodies of work and talk about what inspired me to create it, share some behind-the scene anecdotes, technical information and more and posted them on my YouTube channel. Yesterday, I made my 4th episode presenting my series The Divine Journey and I began to talk about it in my usual matter-of-fact manner, however, it quickly became emotional as I spoke about the death of my father. It was he, who I dedicated the series to and I began to cry while I was speaking. I managed to edit out a lot of the crying but couldn't and wouldn't get rid of it all.

My relationship with my father was difficult due to his mental illness, my mother who demonstrated, when I was very young, how NOT to support him through his difficulties and that created more of a distance from him. I am sure my mother tried to support him and I vaguely remember them talking some times and there was one or two therapy sessions - one was a family one but nothing really evolved and over the years, my mother became angrier and angrier with him.

I have spent too many years, though, trying to intellectualize my mother's behavior. All I can focus on now is my feelings. My crying was and is for very selfish reasons. I never had the dad I wanted. I wanted one that would build me a dollhouse, take me to amusement parks, give me wise advice while I was growing up and while I have photos of me on his shoulders when I was a kid, and we had a father/daughter dance at my first wedding, there were too many things I could not deal with. What I remember more are things like the time he left me at a department store forgetting I was with him, the time he threw a knife at me because he thought I poisoned his food, all the times I watched him sitting outside, smoking a cigarette and talking/cursing to himself and his numerous facial ticks. I remember when he had his biggest breakdown, not just hearing voices but being scared of things that were in the house. he was then institutionalized and given electroshock treatments.

With all that, though, another reason I cry thinking about him is because of the closure I got at the end of his life. I didn't really speak about everything he said in the video because it was already hard but what he did say then and even at my first wedding when we danced is that he loved me. He loved me the best way that he could given the circumstances. I will cherish that moment forever.

2 days ago was the 15th anniversary of his death. He was finally at peace with all of his demons and I do believe that the angels came to take him because he was a good man who had a tortured soul that needed soothing...

Français:

Il y a plusieurs semaines, j'ai commencé à réaliser quelques vidéos « art talks » où je partage certaines œuvres et parle de ce qui m'a inspiré pour les créer, partageant quelques anecdotes sur les coulisses, des informations techniques et plus encore, et je les ai postées sur ma chaîne YouTube. Hier, j'ai réalisé mon quatrième épisode présentant ma série The Divine Journey et j'ai commencé à en parler de ma manière habituelle, mais j'ai rapidement ressenti de l'émotion lorsque j'ai évoqué la mort de mon père. C'est à lui que j'ai dédié la série et j'ai commencé à pleurer pendant que je parlais. J'ai réussi à supprimer une grande partie des pleurs, mais je n'ai pas pu et voulu me débarrasser de tous les pleurs.

Ma relation avec mon père était difficile en raison de sa maladie mentale, ma mère ayant démontré, lorsque j'étais très jeune, qu'elle ne le soutenait PAS dans ses difficultés, ce qui a créé une plus grande distance avec lui. Je suis sûre que ma mère a essayé de le soutenir et je me souviens vaguement qu'ils ont parlé de temps en temps et qu'il y a eu une ou deux séances de thérapie - dont une familiale - mais rien n'a vraiment évolué et, au fil des ans, ma mère est devenue de plus en plus en colère contre lui.

J'ai passé trop d'années à essayer d'intellectualiser le comportement de ma mère. Je ne peux plus me concentrer que sur mes sentiments. Mes pleurs étaient et sont toujours motivés par des raisons très égoïstes. Je n'ai jamais eu le père que je voulais. Je voulais un père qui me construise une maison de poupée, qui m'emmène dans des parcs d'attractions, qui me donne de sages conseils pendant que je grandis, et bien que j'aie des photos de moi sur ses épaules quand j'étais enfant, et que nous ayons eu une danse père/fille à mon premier mariage, il y avait trop de choses que je ne pouvais pas supporter. Ce dont je me souviens le plus, c'est de choses comme la fois où il m'a laissée dans un grand magasin en oubliant que j'étais avec lui, la fois où il m'a jeté un couteau parce qu'il pensait que j'avais empoisonné sa nourriture, toutes les fois où je l'ai vu assis dehors, fumant une cigarette et se parlant/se maudissant à lui-même, et ses nombreux tics faciaux. Je me souviens qu'il a fait sa plus grosse dépression, non seulement en entendant des voix, mais aussi en ayant peur des choses qui se trouvaient dans la maison. Il a alors été placé en institution et a reçu des électrochocs.

Malgré tout, si je pleure en pensant à lui, c'est aussi parce que j'ai pu faire le point à la fin de sa vie. Je n'ai pas vraiment parlé de tout ce qu'il a dit dans la vidéo parce que c'était déjà difficile, mais ce qu'il a dit à ce moment-là, et même à mon premier mariage lorsque nous avons dansé, c'est qu'il m'aimait. Il m'a aimée de la meilleure façon possible compte tenu des circonstances. Je chérirai ce moment pour toujours.

Il y a 2 jours, c'était le 15e anniversaire de sa mort. Il était enfin en paix avec tous ses démons et je crois que les anges sont venus le chercher parce que c'était un homme bon qui avait une âme torturée qui avait besoin d'être apaisée...

Episode 4 on YouTube (en anglais)